I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
