I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize