The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
