a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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