You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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