I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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