My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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