This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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