Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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