Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
