I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
