i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
