This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
