hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
