You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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