I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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