you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
