How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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