DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
