I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
