Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My vagina is officially offended.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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