Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
