So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
