the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
