just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
