a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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