im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize