my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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