I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
