Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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