3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
