she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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