oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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