Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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