youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
