When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
