K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
