My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
