I just gift wrapped bread.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
