someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize