I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Found your dick twin last night
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
