We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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