Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
