The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
