I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
