his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
