I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
