my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
