I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my phone needs a breathalizer
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
