i wish my penis had a tongue
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I came so hard my ears popped.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
