Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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