I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
