i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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