My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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