areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
