My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
