Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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