Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
