he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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