Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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