Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
