I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
