went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
