I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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