She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
