wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize