after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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