I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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