I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
