We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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