No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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