Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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