God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
tell me about the eggs
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize