I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
