This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
