You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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