now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
