I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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